The Good, The Bad, And The Flat-Out F*cked Up Facts From The New “Bachelorette” Cast’s Bios

2


ABC released the all-important smart casual promo photos, and accompanying bios, for all thirty-one himbos competing on this season’s Bachelorette earlier this week. And most importantly, Chris Harrison had a great time snarking on all the guys on Facebook Live.

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Now, a good Bachelorette contestant is like a fine wine, in that they “mature” over the course of a season and also, you know, cause messiness; they should be analyzed in this manner also — by which I mean, over a couple of Olivia Pope-sized glasses. So, after taking a couple of days to appreciate Fred’s choice in dapper knitwear (pictured upper right in the composite image) it’s time to delve into the always ridiculous biographies ABC choose to share as part of the pre-show promo package, offering inane insight into their would-be Romeos. These Q&As are condensed from much longer questionnaires applicants fill out while in the casting process, so it’s often possible to glean what ABC is hoping from each ‘character’ in the snippets they promote — who’s the lovelorn romantic, who’s the knight in shining armor, who’s the bad boy etc. etc. Also though, it’s a great opportunity to rag and/or roll your eyes at the stupid shit the bros put out there in the world. Remember, the Internet is forever!

The “Good” Facts

Blake K.

Courtesy of Miss USA

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Blake K. is PERFECT and he comes with extra guac.

Brady

Courtesy of ABC

Brady is also perfect.

Literally that’s it though, there are only two good facts (i.e. men) out there. Rachel, I’m so sorry.

The” Not Objectively Bad But Not Right For a Bachelorette Contestant” Facts

Dean

Courtesy of ABC

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Dean, gurl, this is not the right attitude to have when looking for love on reality TV.

Adam

Courtesy of ABC

OK this is either the best inter-family drama set to play out on a hometown date, or the worst. JK it’s always going to be the best. (Second best, actually, JoJo’s mom already chugged Champagne from the bottle, remember?!)

Milton

Courtesy of Miss USA

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Milton, your honesty is admirable but you’re NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!

Bryan

Courtesy of ABC

This literally sounds like a robot programmed to be bad on dates.

The “Bad” Facts

Alex

Courtesy of ABC

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Why did you do this Alex?!?!? And why did you admit to it?!?!? Why did you have to be bad?!?!?

Grant

Courtesy of ABC

Grant’s bio also includes a disclosure that he once pooped in a Coke bottle thanks to a bout of stomach sickness while traveling on a bus in Peru, but this single word answer is much worse for a very simple reason: the WINKING FACE EMOJI. It’s as if Grant is not only adding his own lol I jerked it punchline, but laughing at it too! Which, as it happens, segues nicely into the next batch of badness…

The “Bad, Specifically Because It’s About Erections” Facts

Fred

Courtesy of ABC

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Iggy

Courtesy of ABC

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

These bros (and their bro-ners, yes indeed) are OUT OF CONTROL.

And the “Bad, Because of Other Sex/Dating Stuff” Facts

Kenny

Courtesy of ABC

OK, who wants to break it to Kenny that this was probably cute for a day or so, but after a week it’s just a bunch of moldy sliced pineapple.

Mohit

Courtesy of ABC

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

But unless Mohit is just eating Chipotle with my fave Blake K., this is worse. One word: why?!

Jack

Courtesy of ABC

To be clear, Jack being boring/shy about his sex life is bad, BUT! if Jack is alluding to some Law & Order-style roleplay it would be good. I just need confirmation as to his context here first, OK? I take these listicles seriously.

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

The “Double Whammy Bad” Facts

Blake E.

Courtesy of ABC

Important questions: has Blake E. actually seen a Fifty Shades movie?! Does he know the meaning of the word ‘taboo’?! WHY DOESN’T HE LIKE TALKING ABOUT CATS?!?!?!

Jamey

Courtesy of ABC

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

LOL, let’s just say that Jamey is a catch and leave it at that.

And “The Worst” Fact

Diggy

Courtesy of ABC

This is just TERRIBLE!

Except, Wait No, There Are Some “Stop It, You’re Being a Transphobic Asshole” Facts

Lucas

Courtesy of ABC

Bryce

Courtesy of ABC

Let’s be clear, this shit reflects badly on everyone involved — Lucas and Bryce for making trans people a (bad) punchline, and ABC for sharing their sentiments. Not cool.



Source link

قالب وردپرس

You might also like More from author

Leave A Reply

Your email address will not be published.